UNTITLED by Esther Liv

Blue Mermaid by Bella Harris
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  1. i take showers
  2. the water pressure so high it drowns out my music
  3. the water so hot it burns my skin
  4. my uncle asks me why i turn up the heat so much and how i can stand it
  5. i say: it’s in preparation for hell and how i’m going to burn there for an eternity and laugh i say: it reminds me of home (hell) and laugh i mean: i like the way it hurts
  6. i mean: it makes me feel alive
  7. i mean: it reminds me i exist
  8. i use a strawberry body scrub, splatter it over my skin, and think about how i will always be rotten but maybe the pink scent of berries will cover it up
  9. i can apply a ton of makeup to hide my real self but my real self will never disappear
  10. i haven’t shaved for months and i’m not planning to
  11. i haven’t thrown out my razors because i like to look at them and sometimes i trigger myself that way but that’s okay
  12. i take showers
  13. i sit on the floor with a towel around my body and another around my hair and think about death and what it means
  14. to be alive
  15. and why i am alive and what i’m supposed to do now since i am
  16. i have scars on my body and i don’t remember how i got half of them
  17. i remember the other half and none of the stories are pretty
  18. people say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but it’s not a strong you can brag about or talk about at parties
  19. nobody wants to hear about how my thigh reads worthless and how the round scar on my fist is from a scissor and how i cut it in front of a boy while he confessed his crush to me
  20. he asked if i wanted to go to the cinema and in response i grabbed a green scissor and marked my own body
  21. it is never going away
  22. i don’t feel much stronger now because i still spend a lot of time wanting to mark up more parts
  23. my scars are pretty and worthy of kisses when i’m a manic pixie dream girl in a young adult novel but they’re not so pretty in real life
  24. and especially not for me
  25. i am not allowed to think they are not that bad, perhaps
  26. i was born to be an item of adoration but no matter how much makeup i put on i will always be the same ugly self
  27. i will always be rotten
  28. i will always smell of decay no matter how hot the water is
  29. no matter how many showers i take

Esther Liv

esther liv is a 19 year old queer kid from denmark desperately in love with the moon. she’s sometimes a girl, but always down to get ice cream and watch slam poetry. she writes to feel alive. : estherliv.tumblr.com